Good vibes……

You know… Im trying hard to keep a positive attitude and a smile on my face. Breathing in and breathing out.
But its hard when I can feel her, all around me. In everything. A song plays and it just so happens to be her favorite song. I had a dream about her and wake up to find all our old friends posting about how they’ve been thinking about her lately. Posting old photos of her.

Katie, I miss you more than you can imagine.
I’ve been told that it’ll get better over time. “Just give it time shara. It gets easier.”
No. No, it doesn’t.
I can’t remember what you look like anymore. I can’t remember the sound of your voice. I can’t remember how you smell. What your laugh sounds like.
I can’t remember your smile..

Its been three years, soon to be four. And Im starting to forget. And Im scared. I don’t want to forget. Its like… Everything was fine and then I felt like I just found out you had died all over again.

I miss you Katie.
Please come see me In my dreams.
I can still feel you.

You’re still here.

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She’s always with me. #katie #SincerelyKatelynMiller #foreverwithme #rip #missyou

Katelyn Elizabeth Miller: By: Ashely D.

okkkatie:

The pain I feel is oh so real, hearts all broken it’s so surreal. I barely even knew you but you touched me in such a way, I still can’t believe you aren’t here today. We saw you on the open road and of us who could’ve known that soon you would be taken, and leave us so shaken. Isn’t it so easy…

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okkkatie: You know it ain’t easyFor these thoughts here to leave me There’s no words to describe it InFrench or in English Cause diamonds, they fade And flowers, they bloomAnd I’m telling you These feelings won’t go away They’ve been knockin’me sideways They’ve been knockin’ me out lately Whenever you comearound me.
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okkkatie: The Final Goodbye.I don’t even know where to start.I miss you…I think after all the events that have happened and all the things I have come to realize that I have held on to you and..I don’t know. Depended on you. Idk how this is all going to come out so…just bare with me.I wasn’t prepared for this. Your death. It came so…sudden. I thought it was Sara. She was the first that came to mind only because of her past..history.Never you.hmmmm…. We, never hung out as much as I would have liked. I go over to Auntie’s just to see you but sometimes you would be gone. You were older, more mature. I didn’t grow as fast as everyone else. Just a kid. I wanted to be just. like. you.I talked to you about Josh Farmer. You were the ONLY person who knew everything. You were also the person who told me to drop him…even though I didn’t listen the first time. Katie started a whole new chapter in my life. After she died… I grew up. Fast.I have loads of memories with her that I’ll always remember and love to share.I showed her who 3OH3! was when they were cool haha.she loved them. We drove around blaring the CD and dancing acting like little kids. It was the best time ever.At this time was also the first time I met my cousin Lauren from England. We are all so much alike. Lauren told us that Muffs is actually a word they use in England which here means Gina. hahahaha.So my mom had went to buy me some undies and got me some huuuuge granny panties! So we all tried fitting into them which worked haha!So if you come into my room and see panties on my wall and under them it says “We all love the MUFFs! No one else but us love the MUFFs! - Katie & Lauren& Shara. “thats the story to it.My Auntie told me that Katie never wanted anyone else to do her hair but me. And that’s how it always was. Prom was also my birthday and I did her hair in loong beautiful curls. We used SO. MUCH. HAIRSPRAY! her back was peeeling with it. hahahere’s one not too happy…When I was younger, before I moved to Texas I would go to Dallas with my Gran and Aunt Sara and little sister. This point of my life I was veeeery Jealous of my sister. Ayways…Katie came with us this summer. I think we stayed for 2 weeks. Well…I honestly don’t know why I did this, probably because I wanted attention. yea..that was it. Well I tried “killing myself”.. not like I really would have. Stupid little girl. well…I was in the bathroom being dumb and I remember it so well…I had locked the door and Katie busted it down and grabbed me by my hair and dragged me across the floor into sara’s room and started slapping me on the face yelling at me asking if it hurt. WELL YEA IT HURT!She said good and told me never to do that again. Basically saved my life. You never know what could have happened.well after everything settled we all stayed up playing games on the computer that sara was grounded from haha and katie would talk in her sleep..like, if you were to talk to her you could actually hold a conversation with her! hahanext not so good story.This is the one that stuck in my head after she died and all I could think was the last time we talked was the worst.We went on a floating trip with my uncle and friends. Katie had her best friend Kelly with her.. Sorry Kelly, but I didn’t like you ten.I didn’t like you because I felt Katie was acting different to me. So thats why I didn’t talk much to yall and rode in another car…Katie said I was acting like a bitch. which pissed me off. the FIRST time EVER something like that happened. well…we just didn’t talk until later when we were in the river. I forgot all about why I was mad. I love Katie so much..for the longest time I got so mad at myself because I thought the last things I ever said were the worst things I could have said.thats why I have changed…. Why i tell people how I really feel about them and then…try to make things better. I don’t know. I’m weird I know. Its just hard.Seeing Katie in her coffin… I balled my eyes out. I was so scared. I had nightmares where she runs in my room screaming…at me. I don’t know why. We all blame ourselves but its no ones fault really….This is where I let go…No more nightmares.No more sadness. No more Tears.I’ll still visit you.I still LOVE you Katelyn Elizabeth Miller.God I miss you more than ANYONE will know.But… I’m moving on.Mourning is done for me.I love you Katie Bug.Sleep well..
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okkkatie: Katelyn Elizabeth Miller. R.I.P.The most…beautiful person inside and out, I have ever met and had in my life. 1 year and 10 months since you’ve been gone. What can I say? It’s not gotten any easier. If anything it’s gotten more tough. You were the glue that kept this family together. I don’t blame you for the things that have happened. But this has changed my view in “faith”. I guess some people would find it weird and crazy how writing to someone dead helps somehow. I feel like you can hear me speak through my words. You see it. Then again I don’t know. I have no idea where you are. If you’re here right beside me? Home with Aunt Angie and Uncle John? No where? In my heart I know you’ll stay though. I find out more and more about certain events during and after your life everyday. Which makes it harder to forget. No you, but the hurt and pain of loosing you. Being alone is the worst pain I have ever encountered. Alone to myself without having you with me. Giving me advice. Joking with me. Singing with me. Crying with me. I want to say you’re here with me. Right now. I try to trick myself to go back to the places I remember seeing you. I haven’t gone to your crash site in probably close to a year. I hate that fucking road. The same one I’m on everyday. Driving by there at night is a nightmare. I feel you… So I think. Chills. Cold. But not alone. I’ve played this song hundreds of times. When I saw your body for the first time I sang it. While waiting for you to wake up. Waiting for your chest to fill up with air. For your eyes to open. Get up and hold me. Tell me things are going to be ok. That you’re just fine. We’re just fine. No.Shaking in place I’m stuck here having to see you only in my dreams of memories we had. So many memories we had together. You…were and are everything I want to be. Your confidence. Your loyalty. Your beauty. All of it. I still have the last dress you lent me. I actually have a lot of your clothes. I don’t see how people who have lost someone so close to them box these things up and “move on”. No one actually moves on. It’s a lie, if you didn’t know already. Your smell still lingers. I haven’t gone back to your room in over a year now. I can’t. I won’t. I want to. No one understands how…hard this is. How bad it does hurt. How much of my life I’m wasting waiting for you to “come back”. Even when I know you’re not. How can I fit all these words into such a simple verse. I wish I would have been in the car with you. Things would have been different. I’ll always live life thinking about the “what ifs”. Always. What if you would have wore your seat belt? Every time I get into a car I’m always reminded of you. You’re my heart. And it hurts so much to be apart. I’ve grown up some since your death. There are nights where all I can do is cry. There is nothing and no one who could ever possibly replace you. I’m scared of losing any and everyone close to me. Its so fucking pathetic that I work myself up and think of the worst possible things that can and could have happened. Because I expect the worst. Once I let them in, I can’t let go. Some just don’t…understand. I love you. I MISS you! It hurts so much more than and physical pain. I’ve broken down so many times wanting you to comfort me, and then knowing you can’t. Not anymore. I will never forget you. I could never forget you. You have made one of the biggest impacts in my life. I have this hole inside me that will never be filled. A constant emptiness. I know you never wanted this. People to morn over you. I try. I really do. But still…I’m only human.Rest in peace big sister. I love you with all my heart. Miss you more than you can even possibly imagine. See you in my dreams.
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Katie… What is killing me the most right now… I can’t even remember your voice, or the way you look, the way you smell… Anything. Fuck, I’m so fucking numb and fucked up over all this. I just want you back. Just fucking come back please, fuck! I can’t fucking stand this you were fucking taken away from me and now what am I supposed to do?! Who can I talk to? Who do I go to? If I talk about you around the family Im a bad fucking person HOLY FUCK FUCKING COME BACK WHY DID YOU FUCKING GO IT SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN YOU I can’t fucking do this right now.

I miss my Katie.

I wish she was here right now so I could tell her everything that has been going on.

God I miss her so much. I keep finding old pictures of her everywhere and meeting new people everyday that had no idea she died. :/ Just like reliving the nightmare all over again. Fuck.

No one will ever know how much I love and miss her and how much she meant to me.

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cupidsgotagunn: The hardest part is letting go.

Chin up, Darlin'.

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